Funny Christmas Quotes

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
- Larry Wilde

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
- Joan Rivers

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
- Arlo Guthrie

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
- Bernard Manning

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
- Tom Armstrong

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."
- Author Unknown

"You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.'
- Robert Paul

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money."
- Author Unknown

People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?
-Author Unknown

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
- By Jay Leno

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
- Arlo Guthrie

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
- Author Unknown

"Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music."
- By Tom Sims

"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
- Kin Hubbard

"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?"
- Bart Simpson

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge

"A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn't get into a single argument all day."
- Melanie White